Oh, how long it has been.

by: JenniferLebron

Tue Aug 18, 2009 at 05:14:53 AM EDT

Hello MilSpouses.

It has been a while. I don't know why but today I went to the URL bar and typed in MilSpousePress.com, probably out of curiosity, or necessity even. I hvaen't written since right before my husband came home LAST YEAR!!

It probably would have done me some good to stay connected, but it was an interesting journey.

JenniferLebron :: Oh, how long it has been.

My husband was deployed in OEF VIII to Afghanistan for 14 months. It was hell for them. We're the smallest company in the battalion and they were isolated in the mountains--no, inbetween the mountains and had to deal with attacks every day. So on his part--he had to deal with a lot.

Then he came home.

And then I had to deal with it.
Gosh, I don't even know where to start. It was rough. Because I was writing for MilSpousePress all deployment, and reading all these articles that opened up the door to something that was SO FOREIGN to me... I was expecting something--and I thought I was prepared.

But I wasn't.

I was sensitive for a while.
Then I got fed up. Impatient.

M husband was drinking all the time. And even when he was hunched over the toilet--he called me into the bathroom to tell me "This is only temporary." We knew we had issues to deal with, but I guess we didn't understand how? We were kind of just hoping that time would heal all.

Anyway, then "the" night.
He was pretty drunk and I was annoyed. And frustrated. And tired of always standing by to watch him do it to himself all oaver again. At this point in time I don't remember the details too much--because I've really tried not to think about it. But that was "the" night that I was like, "Oh yeah, we've got real issues."

At one point in time he was stradling me, hands around my throat and said, "You don't know anything about me, stop trying to act like you know me. You don't know what it's like."

This came out of NOWHERE.
He didn't remember a thing the day after.
That was the day he poured out all the alcohol down the drain and made his appointment for the psychiatrist on post.

Since then?
Things are better now. There are times when I catch him talking in his sleep, or something. He get's angry when we watch military themed movies, or listen to AFN commericals talk about suicide and PTSD. We stopped going to the psychiatrist because of his training schedule (and--my reason is that, I felt like she was very unprofessional!! She asked him about his dreams then LAUGHED AT HIM and said "That is nothing compared to some of the other things I've heard.")

That is a whole other story.

But. I guess my reason for writing was to say: It gets better. Maybe not easier. But better? Does that make any sense?

Our unit is getting ready for their next deployment and all these feelings and fears are coming back, but it feels different this time around.

Well, I feel like I have a head full of thoughts now. Once I get them more focused, I will be back. :) Ciao friends.

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Oh, how long it has been. | 3 comments

Great to hear from you Jenn (0.00 / 0)

Wow, sounds like the best time to have been writing your experiences would have been during the issues but that is not a usual response.

Often the toll that a deployment takes on a soldier is hard for any non combat person to understand. It is a life and personality changing event that has few peers.

The same is true for those close to the soldier when they return.

It is good your husband had the courage to go for help. The majority don't. Hopefully he will remember some small helpful tidbits while on his next tour and be more prone, more quickly to seek assistance when he returns.

Counselor sounds like an asshole and the wrong one and next time I would walk and request someone else if you have the same experience. There are good and bad in all fields.

The mental toll of war has an amazing ripple effect throughout a large number of people around the warrior.

One can only be so prepared for their return. Some things can only be dealt with when actually in front of you. Who is the person coming back is an unknown. The same soldier, a slightly changed soldier, a deeply changed soldier. With help, patience, the right guidance and the willingness to acknowledge the changes there is a good chance of getting back to "near" your "old" relationship and actually even a chance for a better, "new" relationship with a deeper bond having survived the ordeal together.

We are always here. We always welcome your articles and sharing. Many can relate to your experiences.

There is a new program just started to attempt to mentally prepare our soldiers BEFORE they leave for a deployment. Maybe they have that at your base. I would check into it, I just read an article about it.

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation." Herbert Spencer

by: DonQuixote @ Fri Aug 21, 2009 at 06:31:47 AM CDT

I thought about... (6.00 / 1)

I thought about writing about it all but a part of me was going crazy!!

Like... "No, this doesn't REALLY happen!"
I didn't want to admit that there was something going on in my marriage, "No! My marriage is supposed to be perfect." I'd look at my bruises in the mirror and think, "I am a statistic now." I never wanted any of that to be... KNOWN.

But now, that we've passed by it. So it feels... better? That yeah... my marriage is still here. He's still here.

It's so weird to look at my mindset NOW going into this next one.
I'm not sure what to make of it.
Afraid of whether or not I'll have to go through "it" all over again.

It's a strange feeling.

"We have enjoyed so much freedom for so long that we are perhaps in danger of forgetting how much blood it cost to establish the Bill of Rights."--Felix Frankfurter

by: JenniferLebron @ Mon Aug 24, 2009 at 10:38:35 AM CDT

It's so important to get those feelings out. (5.00 / 1)

And I'm glad you've had this as an outlet and you were comfortable enough to share your story.
I've seen some terrible things happen when deployments end. My own husband, while he claims it's not true, drinks a lot more than usual. Sometimes his patience wears thin very fast.
I'm sorry to hear that you dealt with a psychiatrist who was not helpful. I can only imagine how you feel right now, with everything you went through when the last deployment ended and now here you are getting ready to start a new one.
Take care of yourself.

"Let future generations understand the burden and blessings of freedom. Let them say we stood where duty required us to stand."

by: untiltheyallcomehome @ Thu Aug 27, 2009 at 01:28:48 AM CDT